Worth The Weight

I spent majority of my teen years struggling with my self image. Like most young girls, I started to notice appearance, weight, etc. Even at a young age I was very conscience of my calorie intake. I never felt skinny enough or pretty enough. 

In my 20's I had an easier time finally accepting my appearance. I had a pretty good figure and had a great social life. I met my husband in my mid 20s, when I looked my best. I was 5'7 140ish (probably less) pounds, blonde, tan, and neon lipped. Our days were spent eating, drinking, and being merry. My weight slowly crept up, but I was so happy in life that I was fine with it. After we got engaged I was pushing about 145. 

A few months before our wedding I had a medical procedure done on my foot... Didn't go as planned... And left me on crutches for months even up to the day of my wedding. I limped down the isle. In the process, I gained at least 10lbs. I hated how I looked in my wedding pictures. I wondered how he could still even want to marry me. I was almost 20lbs heavier than when we met. It didn't stop there... I was probably 155lbs. 

 

After the wedding I continued gaining weight. I was over 160lbs a year and a half in. One day, I looked in the mirror and was so upset. How did I let this happen?! How did I allow myself to get this big. I was in the midst of struggling with fertility and not happy with myself. In 2016 I decided I needed to drop some of the extra weight... And I did! I lost about 11lbs in a little over a month following the 21day fix diet and exercise plan. 

Soon after losing a little weight, I finally was pregnant! With things finally going my way, I was beyond happy! By 8 weeks of pregnancy I had already gained 10lbs. We found out it was twins but one stopped growing. I was sad about it, but so ready to take on motherhood. Life changed as we knew it at our next appointment. During our next ultrasound our lives were shattered when we found out we lost our baby. I went into a deep depression for months (you can read my other blog posts about my loss) and I only lost a couple of the 13lbs I gained. I drank and ate a lot while trying to cope. It's was the most painful time of my life. 

One of the only pictures
I have left from my first pregnancy. This was just a couple weeks before we found out we lost our first baby.

Six months after losing our first pregnancy I found out I was pregnant again (you can also read about pregnancy after loss in previous posts). We were thrilled! Here I was 167ish lbs and terrified. There were so many other things going through my mind during my pregnancy, weight gain just wasn't on the top of that list.

I have to be honest... I gained a whopping 53+ lbs with Brynne. I literally just ate my way through my pregnancy. Emotionally I was a total nervous wreck, but physically I was feeling good and loved being out and about. I didn't hold back, and the scale showed that! I sometimes feel a little guilty that I wasn't more conscience of what I was putting in my body, but my cravings were out of control... Like a crazy beast took over and demanded Cinnamon Toast Crunch on the daily. I was a sucker for Mac n Cheese and the obvious... Ice cream. It didn't matter if it was -20 outside. I was super embarrassed for a while.

Luckily, breastfeeding really took care of my ballooning weight gain and by 3 months post partum I was back into some of my jeans. I eventually lost every pound I gained by around 5months postpartum... However, this body of mine was still not back to "normal." I have come to accept that my body will never be the same as in my 20s and as I look at my beautiful little gal and the baby belly I have growing at them moment, I couldn't be more thankful. 

Stay tuned for a post about how different my weight gain and habits have been with baby number 2!

3 months PP

 

27 weeks with #2