Keep Calm and Carry On

After the initial shock of being pregnant, I started to get really excited. I was previously told by a doctor that I had a very low AMH (mine was apparently that of a 50 year old woman) and might have "bad eggs" and my chances of getting pregnant on my own were slim. She basically wanted me to immediately do IVF. I thank God every day that I didn't listen to her. I would have never had my Brynne. Ladies, please always get a second opinion!! So the fact that I got pregnant without even trying, literally, was very unexpected.

It is very hard having an 8 month old baby in your first trimester. I remember there was a day I called my mom and just cried for her to come over so I could just lay down. Not only was this pregnancy terrifying because it was still so early, but I was nauseous... still am. Every single day for an hour or more in the morning and sometimes three hours in the evening I feel incredibly ill. I also had insane daily headaches from 6-8weeks.

I felt so much guilt as I lay on the couch sick as a dog watching my sweet girl play with toys by herself. The major feelings of guilt are constantly there. I just don't have the energy that I did before this. It kills me when she wants me to play with her and I am laying on the couch tired and nauseous.

At 10 weeks  went in to my doctors office for an ultrasound and blood work for genetic testing. I was finally starting to feel more confident about this pregnancy! After all, I was almost at the 12 week point and that just meant I was closer to having a second sweet baby and a sibling for my gal. Perhaps soon my anxiety over possible loss, fatigue, and nausea subside.

And that's when the phone call came in. 

"Hi! We have your results and everything came back low risk! So that's great, however..." 

And at that moment... That "however"... my heart sank.

The nurse told me not to worry. She reassured me that the "inconclusive" result was most likely because my DNA didn't fit into their logarithm. I remained concerned. She could hear it in my voice. 

She once again told me not to worry about it. So I didn't... Until the next day. 

Brynne was napping and I was looking through and paying some bills. My doctors office's number flashed across my screen. Very odd that they would call again for no reason. It was that same nurse. 

"Hi Kim, so I looked a little further into your file and saw that you had this same test with your daughter last year... So with that being said, there is a small concern."

I immediately felt sick. My eyes already tear filled and hands shaking. 

"We know your DNA does fit in the logarithm," the nurse explained.

I knew immediately that meant they were concerned that it was the baby's DNA. Something was possibly wrong with my baby. I thought I was going to puke. 

I immediately made an appointment with a genetic counselor, called the company who did my genetic test, and called other company's to try to get another test. Even so, I was left with little information. My options were CVS, amniocentesis, or waiting for my 20wk ultrasound. At this point we have decided to wait until the ultrasound. We are choosing not to pose any further risk to the baby. If the baby is affected by the possible syndrome, there is a 99% chance of miscarriage or stillbirth. We have decided that we wouldn't terminate anyway, so why not just wait and hope the baby makes it to 20 weeks and shows us a beautiful healthy ultrasound. I continue to pray every night. We are trying to stay positive in a time of much uncertainty.