A Big Surprise

On April 4th 2018 I just had this feeling. I was a couple days late on my period and I was just feeling off. My husband left for work and our 8 month old baby was still asleep. I was sure I had a pregnancy test lurking in a moving box so upon him leaving I rustled through some boxes and sure enough, I found a test. I remember i was nervous and excited all at the same time.

Within seconds the second pink line showed up. It was clear as day. I was pregnant. Flooded with emotion... Like every emotion... I started crying. I wasn't sure if I was crying because I was super happy or freaking out. It was a mix of both and I sat there head in my hand staring at the pink lines. 

I immediately called my husband to fill him in. He didn't know how to react but he said , "that's great babe... But it's raining really heavy and I can barely see." I of course got upset with his response and hung up. 

Other than happiness, truly, I was happy, one of my first feelings was guilt. Major guilt. There ain't no guilt like mom guilt!Was this way too soon? Would I take precious time away from my Brynne?  How would I take care of two small babies? Will I be able to give this baby all the attention it needs? What about work? A billion questions streamed through my mind a million emotions ran through me and there were a lot of tears. What if I have another miscarriage? How would I handle that and having Brynne? 

I grabbed my little gal and held her tight. I cried. I cried because I was happy that she would be getting a sibling. I cried because I know she will love having a brother or sister. I cried because I knew soon she would be sharing me. I knew soon that not every waking second of my time would be dedicated to just her. I cried imagining her getting jealous and her little sad face when mom has to hold the baby and not her. That would kill me. And in the same thought, I would imagine them playing together, skipping through the park giggling, us going on vacations together, and I would smile. Hormones? Lol

All the unknowns of pregnancy really make things so much more stressful. You just never know what is going to happen and even when you brace yourself for the worst, even the smallest thing can be challenging. Little did I know I would soon be faced with an unimaginable amount of fear, doubt, and uncertainty following the result of our recent genetic test.