Life With Brynne: Letting Go, Moving On

Can you believe it's February?! Yes, January was really long, but man do I feel like time is flying. This week, my little buttercup baby turns 6 months old! I still feel like she was a tiny newborn just days ago.  I find myself just looking at her and bawling because she has gotten so big so fast. I find myself staring at her and crying because her beauty is unlike anything I've ever imagined I would hold in my arms. As I nurse her and gently stroke her sweet forehead with my fingers, tears often stream down my face because I know one day she will be too big to lay in my arms as she does now. I know one day she won't need me to nurse her anymore. Soon enough she won't be rocked to sleep on my lap. I try to soak in as many of those moments as I can. I'm truly in awe by my baby.

As I pack up my house for our big move, I am overwhelmed with a mix of emotions. I have so many memories in this house. I have some of my best memories and some of my worst. I have lived some of my most beautiful moments in this house and lived some of my darkest moments here.

I have this strange feeling of loss all over again. This is where I first found out I was pregnant with my first pregnancy. This is where I ran up and down the hallway excited and practically jumping up and down when I saw that pink line on the test. It's where I ran to my husband to share the news and we hugged and I cried out of pure joy. In this house my husband and I talked to my little belly, sang to my belly, and watched my belly grow for weeks. Little did we know, this would also be the house that I would lose our first baby in. Little did we know that I would go into "labor" with our first baby right there in our bedroom and that our world and hearts would be forever changed. That I would live in the deepest depression imaginable. That a living nightmare would overtake the next 6 months of my life.

We didn't expect breathing to be hard. True heartache would swallow me whole for months. We didn't imagine our worlds would be rocked to the core. In this house I had to just get through the day. Put on a happy face, when inside I was truly dying. If you haven't experienced a loss like this, it's hard to relate. I can tell you, it is utterly gut wrenching, life changing, and heartbreaking in all ways imaginable. I still think about that baby all the time, at least once a day. I am so thankful that baby let us have this baby. I still wonder what that baby would have looked like. I didn't even know the gender, though I think it was a boy. I feel that with this move, I am leaving that baby behind and it's a weird feeling. All I have left of that pregnancy is a hidden ultrasound picture which I'm bound to find while packing, a small pair of booties that we had Brynne wear, and a rose bush we planted. This is the house where I had to rebuild my strength. I had to move forward, as hard as it was, I had to go on.

This is the house I brought a little goldendoodle puppy home to fill a hole in my heart. I would rush home from work or anywhere I was to smother this puppy in love. This puppy was my baby. He truly got me through one of the hardest times of my life. He has no clue that he saved me in a sense. I could smile again. I could breathe a tiny bit easier. I could find even a tiny bit of light in my time of such darkness. This "dog" was not at all a dog to me. He was my everything, my baby. He taught me how to be less selfish. He taught me to be a little more patient. He prepped me for what was coming down the line. I sometimes look at him and cry. Since Brynne, I just don't have the time for him I once did. I no longer bring him everywhere I go. I don't spend hours laying on the floor with him singing to him. He is visibly sad... And it kills me. When I pack up the baby to leave, he knows. He gives me sad eyes and plops down on the floor with a huge sigh. My heart hurts a little every time I leave him. I try to dedicate baby's nap time to him and a little time after Brynne goes to bed... I am petting him with my foot as I type this.

This is the house that blessed me with My best gift ever. In this house I took a pregnancy test. In this house I cried out of fear. I spent months worried and anxious. I spent months wedged in my spot of the couch, creating a permanent dent, resting and waiting to feel movement... Terrified if I didn't feel anything for more than 30 minutes. Thrilled when I would feel the kicks and punches of this little angel. This is where I designed the nursery of my dreams. It's were I would secretly sit in my nursery chair and sob. Sob out of joy because I couldn't wait to meet her and sob out of fear because I couldn't bare to lose her.

This is where we packed up my hospital bag. It's were my husband and I spent our last day as "just us." And this is the home that we brought our bundle of joy to. It's where I slept next to her for so long, where I cried while looking at her in awe of her beauty. I spent night after night just staring at her on the monitor while she slept. It's where I would anxiously await her waking up so I could snuggle and kiss her and we would spend our mornings swinging, playing, and reading books. Nights were filled with cuddles from daddy and lullabies.

I will miss so many things about this house because it holds so many memories, but I can't wait to call our new house home and create new ones.