Life Before Baby: A Sad and Envious Heart

 

For years I have been waiting to enjoy holidays with my own baby. I would get sad when my sister would bring her kids to see Santa and she would come back with the cutest pictures. They always invited Me to go with them and I would say, "no I don't want to go," when really, I was dying to go but it would just make me more sad. I know, it's selfish. I did a lot of selfish things when I wanted what other people had or were having. I was dying to share traditions with my own baby. I would see everyone post their pictures of holiday time with their babies and kids. All the pregnancy announcements... Each one a little stab in my heart. I can't tell you how many times I would cry about it. I remember one of my best friends telling me she was pregnant over the phone... I literally couldn't swallow. I died inside. I unenthusiastically congratulated her and found some excuse to hang up. I bawled in my mothers lap. I later apologized to that friend and she said she knew I was sad and she understood. She was even nervous to tell me because she knew how badly I wanted a baby. How kind of her and how embarrassing for me. I still feel bad to this day.

Next was November of 2015. We had been trying for well over a year. It was report card pickup and my sister was working at my school covering a maternity leave. She came to my room as I was sitting there chatting with a good friend with a look on her face. I knew. "Guys, I think I might be pregnant... I just feel weird." This was her 3rd... and by now, she just knew the feeling. I insisted she get a pregnancy test during the lunch break. I selfishly hoped she wasn't. After all, she already had two. It was my turn. During the 45min lunch break she ran out to Walgreens to get a test. Sure enough, she was. I spent the remainder of report card pickup holding back tears. It just didn't seem fair. I later found out that she took the test and called my mom bawling. She didn't want to tell me. She knew I would be crushed. My mom forced her to just get it over with and break the news. She was right, I was crushed. I selfishly gave her a fake congrats. She and my friend left my classroom. I sobbed my eyes out. Right there at the table, parents waiting to come in my room to discuss the grades and behavior of their children. I didn't feel like talking about their children I wanted my own to talk about. I pulled it together and spent the next 3 hours of report card pick up in a daze.

I remember another time when another best girlfriend of mine announced and I displayed my terrible behavior. A small group of us went out to dinner. These girls are a group of my best friends whom I have known forever. Upon ordering drinks at the table, she ordered soda water. I laughed and jokingly said, "what are you pregnant or something?" And she turned and said with the biggest smile, "yes, I am!" And I felt my face drop and my eyes well up. I tried to hold it together. "Oh, that's awesome!" In a "you have to be f*cking kidding me" tone. Soon after, she got up to use the restroom. My best friend sitting across from me knew. She knew that I was beyond upset. She looks at me with the saddest face and said, "I know." And I lost it. I literally lost it at a fancy restaurant downtown. When she returned, I was done having my covetous moment and I tried to enjoy the rest of the night... With wine. A lot of wine. I feel terrible about how I acted. Christmas was about 2 weeks away and the only thing I wanted, I couldn't buy.

Holidays came and passed. Every month filled with disappointment and stress until finally, I got my positive pregnancy test! This was it! It was my turn. I was already looking ahead at all the fun things I would do with my baby. We were so excited, only to have it ripped away only a few months later. My big dreams literally crushed into powder. I thought my sister and I would be pregnant together. We were going to have babies in the same year... And then my happiness turned to darkness. My sister and my friend continued their journeys and were due around the same time. I made it a point to stay away from them because I knew I couldn't handle seeing it. I feel guilty and embarrassed for how I acted, but it was really really hard. The birth of my nephew was really hard. I thought I would be having my baby just a few months later.

I loved snuggling with him. I wanted this so bad. He was beautiful  in every way and I felt bad the I wasn't happier for my sister

A few months and a lot of tears went by. The holidays were approaching as was my "would have been" due date. My heart was in knots every day. The thought of the due date scared me. I didn't know how I would get through that day. I didn't know if I could really celebrate thanksgiving and Christmas. I had zero cheer. I was miserable... And then it happened. I got my positive right before the 2016 holiday season started.



This was the day before I took my pregnancy test.

I would spend the holiday season of 2016 thrilled and completely terrified all at the same time. My would have been due date was rough. I spent most of the day crying. I went from my bed to my couch back and forth in tears. I was so sure that this little baby forming would have the same fate so I really couldn't enjoy it. All I could think was, "I should have a baby in my arms right now." When I should have been thinking, "I can't wait to have this baby!"

I can't really go back and apologize for how I acted, I have apologized, but at the time... I couldn't help how I felt. The despair, grief, and sadness was to much to bare. All I can do now is share my story in hopes that it can normalize the experience of another woman going through it. I am grateful everyday that my story has a happy ending. It may sounds terrible, but I thank God that I did not have that baby... For I would have never been blessed with the love of my life had that pregnancy continued. Hope and prayer, a lot of tears, and entire isle of fertility sticks and pregnancy tests led me to my rainbow and I couldn't be happier.