Pregnancy After Loss: Moving Along

I knew what her name would be the second I cut into the cake and saw pink. Brynne Victoria was my number one choice and a name that my husband was finally ok with. I was now going into my 16th week and physically I was feeling good, emotionally I was getting better slowly. It was time to talk baby shower. Having a summer baby meant I would be competing with brides for shower venues so I had to have something booked sooner rather than later. This made me feel sick. 

What if if we book it and then something happens? What if we book it and it never happens? What if we have the shower and then something happens after? How will I return everything without literally dying? my mind would race with every venue meeting. I imagined myself in the nursery crying and packing everything up to return it to the stores in which it came from. I know, I know it's crazy, but I just couldn't help it. Every venue coordinator must have thought I was absolutely nuts. I would cry every time and tell them I just wasn't ready. I told my mom I didn't want a shower at all but eventually gave in and booked. I sobbed the entire car ride home. My wonderful mother-in law as also having a shower for me, as was my work. I was terrified and excited all at the same time. Was I jinxing myself? At this point I was pretty sure I was feeling baby movement (I know it's early, but I am sure of it) and I was attached already. I was physically doing great. I loved being pregnant.

At 18 weeks my mom was pushing me to start registering. She had been subtly hinting for a couple weeks that I needed to start thinking about it. I wanted to wait until 25weeks, heck I would have waited until 39.5 weeks. I wanted to wait until I knew that if I had that little baby early for some reason, it would have at least a small chance. I was distraught with the thought of registering. I already knew what I wanted and was sure I could get it all done right before the baby came. Once again, I finally gave in.

 

On a day off of work my mother in law, sister in law, mom, and I went to Uncle Julio's for lunch. I was nervous the whole time. I knew that after lunch I would be faced with starting my registry. When we pulled into the Pottery Barn Kids parking lot I asked if we could maybe do this next week instead. Anything to attempt to push it back as if in the next week I would feel any better about it.

 

We walked in and I immediately saw the crib I had been eyeballing for weeks, the Blythe crib in vintage simply white. It was exactly what I imagined it would look like. I loved it. I saw a beautiful Blythe dresser that went with it. "I love these," I said. A sales associate came over and asked if she could help us with anything. I said, "no, just looking." My mom rolled her eyes. "She needs to start her registry." I gave her a death stare. I wasn't ready, I didn't know if I would ever be, but I wasn't ready at that moment. "Oh! How wonderful! I can help you with that. Is this your first baby?" she said. In my head I said no. This isn't my first baby. My first baby died. "Yeah, I nodded with a fake smile, this is my first."

The lady left and returned with papers for me to fill out. She handed me the papers and pen. My hands were shaking. I immediately lost it. I started crying and I put my head in my hands and sobbed, right there in the middle of the store. I was embarrassed by my inability to control my emotions about this. I could tell the lady felt really bad, which made me feel even worse. I also could tell she knew before I even had to say anything. My mom came over to console me. "She lost a baby last year and she is just having a really hard time with all of this, " my mom said. Having a hard time with all of this? I was completely gutted less than a year ago and now I am sitting here registering for a baby of which no one can guarantee a healthy full term birth. Yea, I'm having a really hard f*cking time, I thought to myself. The lady was very kind and shared her story of her own experience with loss.

Once I started clicking the registry gun, there was no turning back! We ordered the crib, dresser, and chandelier that day. It made me terribly nervous but the nice associate assured me that I could return it if I had to. I went home and added the receipt to my "baby receipt drawer." I had convinced myself that I had better save every single receipt just in case.

When 20 weeks came around, I was finally breathing a little easier. Each passing week made my nerves calm a tiny bit. I was finally really excited and happy. Life was good.