Life With Brynne: My Journey with Breastfeeding 0-3 months

By the second day of breastfeeding, I was ready to give up. I was sore and almost bloody. I would cry real tears of pain as she fed. I was sure there was no way I could do this. I was put on "rest" and it was suggested that I use formula for a couple feedings. I bawled. What is wrong with me? Why can't I do this?  I felt shame. I am her mom, this is what I am supposed to do. The feeling of not being able to feed my child consumed me. I never expected to care so much about breastfeeding. I knew more people that didn't breastfeed than did. I figured I would use formula and not give a second thought to it. Heck, I planned on using formula.

Once again, I watched as my husband stepped in and helped. I watched him feed our little baby with a dropper and formula. That is how she got her first knick name- Lady Bird. He would talk quietly to her and feed her drop by drop. I would cry watching him feed her, sometimes out of sadness that I couldn't, but mostly because watching him do that was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. He was calm and patient. My heart would flutter. 

I asked for the lactation lady to come back again, I was determined to give it another shot. They showed me how to hold her and helped with latching. My suggestion to any new moms that are trying to breastfeed, be patient. It doesn't just happen perfectly for everyone right away. Social media and TV make it look easy. It is not easy. It takes practice. I would sing little songs to her encouraging her to "drink the milk lady bird" and stroke her little head and cheek. The initial latch hurt like hell, but once she was on, the pain subsided and I was in the most wonderful peaceful place in my life. There I was, holding my baby and nourishing her from within my own body. She just needed me and nothing else, and boy did I need her! 

Still sore and in pain, we left the hospital that Saturday. I remember being excited to get home and settled in, but I also remember being terrified. Now I would be on my own. Now I would have to make sure I was doing everything necessary without nursing staff  and lactation specialists helping.

No one warned me about the first night, it was AWFUL. I was a total wreck. I was terrified to go to sleep. I didn't want to close my eyes, not for a second. She lay in the Rock and Play next to me. I lay there manually rocking her in tears out of pure exhaustion. She would feed and for 20-30 mins on each side, sleep for like an hour or so, and feed again. I remember thinking that there was no way I could do this. I laid there bawling, continuing to manually rock her in fear that she would immediately wake up if I stopped. I knew if she woke up, she would need to nurse. I was in so much pain still. Each latch was a burst of excruciating pain that would subside once she started to nurse. I didn't know what I was getting myself into, but I was hooked. I watch her so happy upon my breast. She loved nursing. It is kind of like going to a boot camp or personal trainer. The first few times you want to keel over and die. You are super sore the next day and question whether or not you will be making it to the next session. You push yourself to go and you are happy you did. Then it gets easier and easier, and a lot less painful. Day by day the pain was less and less. I remember there was a night the first week that she just didn't seem satisfied so I made my husband give her a similac 2oz ready made bottle because I couldn't bring myself to do it and I cried my eyes out the entire time he fed her. I was so disappointed in myself, I felt so much shame. I watched her chug that 2oz so fast and it hurt my heart. Is she hungry? Am I not giving her what she needs? Should I just switch to formula or try to supplement? It really is hard in the beginning for some of us. Use your best judgment!

I will provide a list of products and tips I found helpful in this journey at the bottom of this page, every baby is different, but these worked for us. Also, be ready to spend a lot of time nursing. It is a full time job. When you aren't nursing, you are pumping. I would spend 20-30mins (sometimes in full blown tears from physical pain) on each side every 1.5 hours until her doctor told me 15mins on each side should be enough. Mind you, I was raw and sore for quite some time. My advice, pump as much milk as you can in the beginning and store that shit like gold. Eventually, if you are anything like me, your supply will level out and you will not produce as much extra milk.

 

I spent the first month of her life sleeping on the couch so I was eye level with her, watching her breathe, watching her little tummy move up and down. If I dozed off, I would wake up startled and lean over immediately to check on her. I would wait for her to be ready to nurse. It seemed that our schedule was 8pm feed, 10pm feed, midnight , 2am, 4am. The 30 mins of nursing included. So about 8:30 she would fall asleep and she would be back at it by 10pm for another 30mins or so... plus I would pump. FULL TIME JOB, with a night shift. I let my husband sleep. I would hear him snoring and in my head I would say, "must be nice." In the morning, I would be crabby as hell. He would say, " what's wrong?" and I think my head would whip around with eyes bigger than Texas, there may have been steam coming out of my ears. Ladies, they have no clue, if you don't expect it, you won't be disappointed. While he was extremely helpful when I needed, he can't nurse her, it isn't his fault and at this point, we hadn't found a bottle that she would take (this was a whole different headache!). I just did my best to try to remain calm and remember that it wouldn't be this way forever.

At 4 weeks I woke up engorged and in severe pain. I nursed and nursed and pumped and pumped but I knew it was a plugged duct (hurt more than my C-section). I ended up in immediate care because I feared mastitis, luckily it was not. Brandon and I had gone out for our first weekend to see Lady Gaga and the next day, Zac Brown Band. I was so tired when I got home that I passed out and didn't pump. By this time, baby was sleeping 4+ hours at a time. This night, she slept 6 hours. I should have pumped that night.

Right before leaving for Zac Brown

 I had a lactation specialist, who my friend recommended, come to my house. This was such a great resource. Many insurance plans will reimburse you for one home visit, be sure to use this if you can! It is really helpful. The specialist came over, weighed my girl, watched me feed and assisted me to make it better. I had been using my Boppy pillow daily at this point. The Boppy pillow was really helpful in the first few weeks. She made a suggestion that I try to stop using it would be easier for me to nurse outside of my home. I stopped using the Boppy at that point. She showed me ways to hold the baby for my comfort and Brynne's comfort. She also gave me tips on how to relieve the plugged ducts. Within a few days, I was in much less pain. After that, things just became much easier and more natural. I was more confident and willing to nurse her just about anywhere. 

Breastfeeding in public can be kind of awkward at first. I was a little uncomfortable with it the first few time I went out. I would run to the fitting room and feed so that no one could see me. I still do that occasionally because it is pretty quiet and sometimes there is place to sit. Some stores are much more nursing friendly than others. Now I just find a seat and feed her. Sometimes I cover up, sometimes I don't. Everyone can just get over it, I am feeding my baby. People who are uncomfortable by it can look away. I am not really concerned with anyone else's comfort but my little girl. Besides, would you rather hear a screaming baby or see a mom nursing?

At about 7 weeks I wasn't producing as much in previous weeks. I feared this was it. At this point Brynne was not a fan of bottles. We tried many brands... like soooo many. When pumping, I was getting an ounce at most. It was devastating. I was still eating my morning oatmeal, my sweet potatoes, and drinking a ton of water. I wasn't consuming much alcohol and I wasn't working out. I reached out to my breastfeeding friends and did a bit of research. My body was adjusting to Brynne's needs. I wasn't pumping as often because now we would spend the days out and about. Brynne was also sleeping 6 hours in her Auto Rock n Play (YOU NEED THIS!) and I would finally allow myself to doze off occasionally for longer periods than before... but I would still wake up startled like a psycho and check her. I also started being sure to pump ever night before bed and every morning.



As Brynne started sleeping longer and longer, I found myself still wide awake often. I was waiting for my girl to need me. The first time she slept through her midnight feed, I laid in my bed bawling my eyes out... I mean BAWLING. I called my mom first thing in the morning hysterical. She thought I was crazy. When Brynne slept through her 2am feed for the first time, once again, I was beside myself in tears. I just couldn't accept that I wouldn't have my midnight and early morning snuggles with her. It really made me sad. Her sleep is still a bit all over the place, and I still find myself staring at the monitor often waiting for her to need me and sometimes, she doesn't, and I close my eyes and try to ignore my sad little heart.

Right before Brynne turned 12 weeks, we took a trip to San Antonio (look for my future blog on traveling with baby) and it was great! I was producing a decent amount of milk again, storing extra, and I hadn't had any pain since that 4 week plugged duct... And then my supply dropped a bit again. I bought a different size breastshield, and that helped. I am currently trying to build my supply back up. Brynne is 15 weeks now and nurses from both sides and has a 2oz bottle of pumped milk on top of that. I pump once before bed and once early in the morning as she is now sleeping 7+ hours at a time up to 11 hours straight (she is not much of a napper, I get my 50mins here and there). Sometimes I get one ounce pumped and sometimes I get 6. If I get more than 4oz, I immediately put 3oz in the freezer bag for storage. I also pump after her first morning feed... I may get 1/2 an ounce, but anything is better than nothing. I use a dry erase marker to mark the date for the ones I store in the fridge and pen for the freezer bags.

I have been asked how long I think I will breastfeed. I honestly don't have an answer for that. I am lucky to be home with her for one full year, and will try to continue as long as it works for us. I can not imagine having to work while still trying to breastfeed, those mamas are unbelievable. As long as I am producing enough to keep my baby healthy, I will continue. I am not against using formula. The goal is to feed and nourish your baby. However, if I can continue nursing, I will.

I am not a doctor or lactation specialist. This is just a snippet of my personal experience thus far. It has only been 3 months in this journey and it has been such a beautiful one, I cry tears of joy while nursing. However you decide to feed your baby is up to you. Breastfeeding isn't for everyone and sometimes it doesn't work out. My advice is to be patient and persistent. If you give it your best shot, then you have done all you can do! We need to be less hard on ourselves when things don't go as planned. Whether you feed your baby breast milk or formula is not the big picture. Your job is to nourish your baby however works best. The fact is, your baby needs you, boob or bottle!

Products I have used related to feeding:

1. Medela Pump in Style Advance  I use it multiple times, daily! and the cooler set. You can usually get the starter set version through some insurance policies and purchase the cooler bag separately.

2. Medela Freezer Bags 

3. Lanolin this was the first product I used. I switched it up.

4. Earth mama nipple butter

5. 3 in 1 Therapy  This definitely helped, but it doesn't stay as cold for as long as I would have liked.

6. Nursing pads I tried 3 different brands, I liked the target ones best, followed by Lansinoh, and I didn't love the Medela ones.

7. Lansinoh bottles I literally tried 10 different bottles. She took the MAM bottles for the first few weeks and then suddenly refused them. I was frantically searching for one that she would take, this is the winner! I am obsessed with these bottles!

 

8. Soft Gerber Burp Clothes- You can't have enough of these!!

My advice for Nursing wear. I personally found just getting a few nursing bras and tanks was enough. I spent a few hundred dollars on nursing shirts... haven't even used them. I have 4 nursing bras, 3 nursing tanks, and I have also bought a few nursing friendly shirts (buttons or looser fitting) that work just fine. I really just wear my normal clothes with a nursing tank or bra!

1. Nursing bra

2. Nursing bra

3. Nursing bra both nude and black

4. Nursing tanks I bought all of mine at Macy's

5. Maternity/nursing pj's with robe I have the pink floral version of this and I pretty much lived in it during my last trimester and first month of breastfeeding. I still wear it often! So comfy and practical! It is worth the $50 bucks

If you have any questions, email me! kimberlyfeaman@gmail.com