Pregnancy After Loss: The Announcements

After we lost the baby I immediately started blaming myself. Did I eat something bad? Was I not drinking enough water? Should I not have gone on that plane? Did I stay in the sun longer than I should have? I was convinced it was something I had done even though I played by all the rules. I was actually even overboard. I would ask every waitress if their cheese was pasteurized, I would drink a ton of water, I wouldn't eat any foods on the "no no" list even when my doctor said they were fine, I barely even wore makeup because I feared the chemicals would hurt my baby, I used water and a gentle cleanser to wash my face, I drank decaf only, went to sleep early... The list goes on. Heck, I didn't even get my nails done! But I was sure it was something I did and the feeling of guilt, the sheer horror of my doing this, that I caused my little baby to die was not an easy feeling to carry. I went back and forth for months trying to pinpoint what I must have done to cause this.

Now here I was, pregnant again. Playing by all the rules again. Things were going really well so far. Why was I still a paranoid wreck? Why couldn't I just enjoy this beautiful experience? Why did I have to live every second worrying and bracing myself for the worst. I would check my underwear 50 times a day, peeing gave me anxiety because I feared there would be blood, I wanted to eat a piece of salami like no ones business. I would watch my husband shove salami in his mouth as I stand there drooling. I was adamant about my water intake. When I was tired I slept. My baby was showing perfect growth and numbers. It was time for me to just stop being a complete spaz (I never truly stopped). 

At around 11 weeks I had genetic testing done. Some people asked, "well why would you get genetic testing, would you not want it if something was wrong with it?" First of all, I would have taken any baby I could get. This baby could have any syndrome under the sun. I just wanted a baby that would go to full term and live. After doing my psychotic amounts of research on the panorama genetic test, I found that it could detect different chromosome issues that would result in miscarriage or the baby dying at some point soon after. I need to have this test done. It also didn't hurt that I would know my baby's gender. If all went well, we planned to do a gender reveal party. 

At 13 weeks my fertility clinic released me. That meant no more weekly ultrasounds and that scared the hell out of me. My doctors office (Obgyn) called with the results of my genetic test while I was at work. I instantly felt nauseous. My coworker (God bless her for constantly listening to me talk about my dog and my weird cramps and pulls and constant worry) whom helped me with my one classes, was in the room. She was one of the people I told earlier than my "announcement." I dashed to the door to answer the phone. The kids must have thought I had sudden diarrhea or something. "The results came back negative for everything and the gender..."- she started. "Don't tell me!!"- I cut her off. I had her call my favorite bakery, Sweet Mandy B's, and tell them the gender so they could make us a gender reveal cake. I was finally starting to be really excited, but still cautiously optimistic.

My gender reveal was coming up. I would be about 15 weeks at the time we cut into the cake. I had a ton of anxiety about it. Maybe I shouldn't find out I thought to myself. If something happens, it will be easier if I don't know. I knew I would definitely be more attached once I knew if it's a boy or a girl. The baby will have a name. What if something happens after this. Once again I was sick to my stomach with worry.  I was also becoming more and more attached with every passing week.

I did my school announcement first. Almost everyone at work knew about my previous loss and my yearning for a baby. Everyone was so wonderful and supportive when I was hurting. I am lucky to work with such wonderful people. They would listen to me talk about my dog aka Mommy's Baby, they would let me cry about my loss, and show them pictures of my nieces and nephew. Everyone was so great. I went into work early and set up a little announcement. 

After my work announcement I announced on social media. I remember being super unsure if I should. I clicked the "post" button and immediately felt like I was going to throw up. I cried.

On the day of my gender reveal I was super nervous.  I cried that morning. I was really excited, but I knew this was it. I would have a harder time detaching myself from now on. I would also be beyond fixing if something were to happen. I considered canceling the whole party, but on it went. It was a wonderful day. All of my closest friends were present minus just a few. My mom, dad, and sisters and my husbands wonderful family were all ready to find out what this little baby was going to be!

My husband is colorblind so he didn't really see the color because it was such a light shade, but he said he knew from my reaction. I am also pretty sure the reaction of our sweet nephew who collapsed to the floor in despair was also a giveaway.



 It was a beautiful light pink, a girl, and I knew it all along. Our hearts were happy. It started to feel more real.