Pregnancy After Loss: Inching Toward the Finish Line

 I was beyond lucky enough to have so much support and love from family and friends. There were a few people that didn't seem to quite share my excitement, but that is to be expected. I didn't care. I was finally inching closer to the finish line. I could almost see it. I would envision the day of delivery in my head. I would play out all the possible scenarios. I would imagine the moment of pushing her out and holding her on my chest. I would imagine having a C-section and see myself laying on a table in a daze but waiting to see the baby come out. And then, I would see myself waiting to hear a cry that would never happen. At those moments I found my excitement turn to fear. I would shutter and try to think about something else. My pregnancy was going really well and I was trying hard to be positive. 

In the last month and a half of my pregnancy I was off on summer break, my nursery was done, and my due date was just weeks away! I was really happy. I spent that month eating. Literally. I enjoyed every second of it. Do I regret eating the stuffed banana foster French toast with ice cream on top from Howard Quintero? Uh... No. I want to eat it again. Sure, I gained 5 pounds in the 45 minutes we were at the restaurant, but baby loved it! So no, I don't regret any of the delicious calorie packed foods I ate at the end of my pregnancy. I went from restaurant to restaurant eating and enjoying. If you check out my Instagram, you can follow my fatgirl food fest! My mom would tell me how I should be careful that I don't gain to much weight because it would be hard to lose it. I clearly wasn't concerned. By the end of my pregnancy, I gained 48lbs. I was pretty large, but really enjoying the final weeks with this big belly and growing baby.

I remember every time the Doppler came out at appointments, I felt sick immediately. At 36 weeks I went in for a check up. My doctor took the Doppler out and all we heard was static. I just about died on the table. She went to get a different Doppler. The 30 seconds she was gone seemed like an hour. When she walked out I started thrashing myself around on the table so that my baby would move. By the time she came back I was hysterical. As soon as she placed the Doppler on my stomach I heard that beautiful sound. Really the most beautiful sound. My tears suddenly turned to smiles. My girl was doing great. I begged her to take me in for a c-section at 37 weeks. I wanted this baby so bad and I wanted her to come out alive no matter what. My calmness and happiness was mixed with a bit of concern... What if she is too big and she runs out of space and the cord... I would have to stop myself. What is wrong with me?!? Why do I think this way. I continued to enjoy being pregnant as much as I could. It was truly such a delight and blessing. 

 

 

At the end, I started to get a little sad. I would miss my big belly. I would miss feeling her move and groove all day and night. Having her close to me and being her lifeline, protecting her from within. I enjoyed my evenings on the couch just watching her kicks and punches. I would miss my huge dent I made in the couch in those pregnant months. I would definitely miss all the food. Would I still crave Reese's Peanut butter cereal and Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Will I still have time for my sweet boy, will he like her?(my goldendoodle) How much does a baby really cost? What if she doesn't sleep? Am I going to breastfeed? Sure, I had a lot of worries and concerns. I didn't know the first thing about being a mom. I tried to read the books... Everyone said "read the books." Well, I tried... Our moms and grandmothers didn't have "books." Was I really ready for this? Sure I wanted this sooooo bad. I wanted to be a mom so bad and I was about to get what I asked for. Excitement and nervousness consumed me the week of my due date. I was just waiting for my water to break at the most ridiculous inconvenient time. I didn't let anything stop me. I continued keeping busy just waiting for my little lady to arrive.