A Broken Heart

I was so thrilled to be pregnant! We waited so long for it! We were trying for well over a year and every month I was heartbroken. Invites to friends kids birthdays, honored to be invited and sad not to have my own. Announcement after announcement of pregnancies... the feeling of jealousy and shame. I found out on the morning of my and my dad's (60th) birthday weekend. I was so excited that I just wanted to tell the world! My mom had planned to take him to Lake Geneva Wisconsin for the weekend and we were going to meet them as a surprise. So for his birthday gift, I wrapped up a little pair of white baby booties. I couldn't wait to give them to him! My two sisters and I and our husbands waited patiently at the bar for him to arrive. I remember my husband ordering me soda with a splash of cran so that my sisters wouldn't be suspicious. My dad walked in and he was so surprised to see us! It was such a wonderful beginning to our weekend.

 

After everyone settled in and had a drink, we decided to do gifts. I handed my dad a little cute bag. He opened it and pulled out these cute tiny booties. At first, there was a look of confusion. Immediately my older sister yelled out "No!" in the most excited way possible. Then everyone started jumping up and down. Everyone cried. It was so wonderful! 

My older sister made me take 3 pregnancy tests in the hotel room. They turned dark pink immediately. "Wow, either you are super pregnant or you have twins," she joked. She was also pregnant at the time and it was exciting to be pregnant with my sister. Life was good.

 

At 6 weeks we saw that there were 2 sacs, unfortunately one never continued developing. I was a bit sad at first, but so happy to see the heartbeat of my growing baby. At 8/8.5 weeks everything was still looking great and we were making plans and talking names. I was so excited and over the moon.

 

On my 12 week appointment (I was a little further than 12 weeks), I picked up my husband from work to hear our baby's heartbeat. It was a Friday and Mother's Day weekend. We couldn't wait! I remember him getting into the car with a huge smile on his face. "I'm so excited to hear the heartbeat!" And he squeezed my leg and gave me the sweetest smile. I was so nervous for some reason, but couldn't wait!

 

The doctor came in with the Doppler and placed it on my stomach. All we heard was the sound of water whooshing. She made a puzzled face but quickly reassured me not to worry because this happened often... But my heart was already broken, I already knew what was about to happen. I was shaking. Already in tears, we were immediately sent for an ultrasound. "Babe its ok, relax! She said this is normal." My husband was so calm. He tried so hard to comfort me.

 

 During the ultrasound I saw the 2 sacs, one empty, one very still and just turned funny. The ultrasound tech was looking at the screen and shaking her head "no" and immediately turned the screen away from me and gave me the "I'm sorry" face. I screamed. I stood up. I collapsed to the floor. My heart actually ached. I couldn't breathe. My husband had tears in his eyes and he hugged me as we realized our baby, who we had big plans for, was no longer. I remember walking into the doctors office waiting room and seeing other pregnant women. I was hysterical. They knew.